My blog title is a line of lyrics from my newest song “The Key,” which I will share soon.
When I was in deep grief, acceptance seemed unreachable. Today, I sometimes feel that way with my eye condition. It’s hard to accept that my eyes bother me all the time.
What definitely brought me down in grief (and similarly with my eyes), is the question of why it happened to me.
Because there was no comforting answer when I was grieving the loss of my child, it was a question I eventually let go of. With my eye condition, I am trying to do that, too.
Lately, I’ve found it difficult to write for my blog; I didn’t want to write anything mundane. With all seriousness, I simply added pressure with the thought that I won’t write unless it’s something profound. All that led me to was a blank page.
I’m glad I’ve decided to write again without worrying whether it’s moving or not.
I made the decision this week, to participate in a video interview related to living with dry eyes. My condition is something that I’m acutely aware of every moment of my day. It has also partially contributed to my inability to write much here because I hate complaining about my eyes.
What’s so interesting is that I started a separate blog so I could write about dealing with my dry eyes. It was that blog, which led me to this venture.
Before agreeing to this project, I first needed to find out if it was legitimate. It was, and I will be paid for my time and involvement.
I was asked to select someone close to join me during the filming. That way, I could engage with my friend about the challenges I’ve faced with my eyes. I chose my childhood friend, Joni.
The filming will happen in approximately two weeks and the crew is going to come to Kulak’s Woodshed where I perform every other Tuesday evening. I’m both nervous and excited.
To be honest, I was very uncomfortable thinking about my appearance and how my tiny apartment would look. I decided I am an ordinary middle-aged woman (to put it lightly), and that is fine since most of the people watching are not expecting me to be young and glamorous.
Also, early on when I was debating about doing this, a friend told me, “Oh, you can’t do it because you’re having such a hard time with it still.”
That is true. I do wish I could be in a better place with my eyes so that I could offer more hope to others. But on the other hand, I hardly think I am a spokesperson for dry eyes since I suffer far less than many other people with this awful disease.
I don’t know what my future is with this condition, but I’ve decided (a recent realization), that I’d rather focus on what I can do versus what I can’t.
In many ways, I am discouraged by how my eyes “hold me back.” I am reluctant to travel or socialize because of my discomfort. But I am also encouraged at how much I can still do despite living with the irritation and discomfort. The fact that my eye pain doesn’t show is both a blessing and a curse. I’m not really looking for sympathy, but since my pain is invisible to others – most people are completely unaware of my discomfort.
The completed video will be shown on a health-related website and I’ll share a link to it once it’s available. I’m glad that I’ve broken the barrier to start writing again!
Click this link to hear a conversation with my vocal coach, Hannah Anders, as I shared my concerns about doing the dry eye video.
Blog excerpt discussing dry eye video with Hannah, my vocal coach
In the transcription below, Hannah’s words are in blue.
I was contacted by a documentary filmmaker. They want to use me on a segment for dry eyes, an inspirational story. I said, “But I’m not cured.” I mean how can I inspire when I’m going through this and I’m still searching?
Because you’re going through it and still searching!
Yeah.
You know how many people throw in the towel and get ailed and cranky and bitter and awful because they’re ailed?
Or they kill themselves . . .
They kill themselves – absolutely. Chronic issues are really unbearable for a lot of the population and they do just kill themselves.
Well, I feel like it’s chronic at this point, but I don’t want to think that. I want to still think that one day I can get beyond it.
You’re going to get beyond it because we’re not limited by what’s in front of us as an answer.
The other side is – I live with it. And I just keep moving forward. I don’t know what my future holds. It doesn’t matter. I’m going to keep doing the things I love. I’m going to keep watching my children grow. I’m going to keep singing.
That’s why you’re inspiring in a video. Because you’re not cured yet!
But I’m not going to stop living – that’s it.
But many do – for them to come and follow you and for you to say, “I am always in search of the answer, but I have to live in this body right now – I have to live with these eyes right now. And, I’ve made the best of that!”
That’s right!
It’s one thing for somebody to say, “I’ve cured it! Look how inspirational I am!” Well no shit! You don’t feel anything. Of course, you’re inspirational – you’re happy as a clam. But you know you’re in the space of having to just hunker down with this thing and live with it!
Thank you. Maybe that’s why I can be a good songwriter because I can tell the story of how to heal myself and I’m still going through it!
Absolutely, so – I think you should do it. I think that would be great. And I think that there’s an answer. I think it’s going to lie in the functional side of your body and it’s going to lie in the trauma and I think it’s going to lie in getting whatever that is, back in balance. Our bodies want to heal!
These are my lyrics to “The Key” in progress. I decided to change the part about losing hope into a line about accepting my prison.
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