MY LIFE BECAME CLEAR – PART 1

LESSON B WITH PEACHES – 12/19/11 CLEAR

LESSON C WITH PEACHES – 12/29/11 CLEAR

LESSON D WITH PEACHES – 12/29/11 CLEAR

I have now written four songs since I finished recalling all of the music from my youth. The process of composing them was similar. It started with a beautiful looping melody in my head that played throughout my day. After that, I constructed the chords on my guitar. The melody and music told me what the new song would be about. The lyrics followed easily, because I heard them in my mind.

 

Two months ago, I wrote a song that was so painful I could not publicly share it. I now realize that my songwriting is my subconscious speaking to me.

 

With my newest song “Clear,” I am sharing an inspirational message to the world and to myself. I plan to continue turning my life around and getting up off the ground where I was stuck for a very long time.

 

My song evolved over a period of one month, and is still quite fresh. It was actually on the day when I recorded my song that I finished composing it. I thought my song was done, but then my subconscious voice spoke loudly to me.

 

Originally, I had the line leading up to “my life became clear” as “I followed my heart.” On a humorous note, it reminded me of a restaurant with that title. I changed it to “I opened my heart.” Even though I liked “I opened my heart; my life became clear,” it was a moment of clarity when I changed the line to “I opened my eyes, life became clear.”

 

Now my song expressed perfectly how one day I opened my eyes and woke up. After that, I saw my life quite differently.

 

It was when I wanted to improve the melody for that lyric line that my song expanded in a beautiful way. The new melody was so lovely; I decided to add another line leading up to it. I searched and searched for something to rhyme with clear that would fit my song.

 

When the line came to me, I was overcome with joy and amazement. Singing those words felt ethereal and I made sure my song’s arrangement conveyed it. That one line was how my journey began.

 

It was “beautiful music I could hear.”

 

My life was silent and sad for decades. The beautiful music that fills my life with joy resulted from my clarity. I am so grateful for the gift I was given.

 

That gift is my life.

Click the blue link to play an instrumental version of my song.

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CLEAR

Copyright 2012 by Judy Unger

Not long ago I was a child, then a young girl,

now I’m even older

A woman so wise, I realize

Life went by quickly, I blinked my eyes

 

When I grew up, I became sad

Life beat me down; I felt broken

Though it may seem a little extreme

I turned my life around, to follow my dream

 

I carried on; I lived with heartache

I was so numb; I wasn’t awake

It all changed, I let go of fear

beautiful music I could hear

I opened my eyes, life became clear

 

As I grow old, I’ll keep my smile

All of my tears gave me compassion

I was asleep; my pain was so deep

I turned my life around; with joy I now weep

 

I carried on, inside I wept

I cried for the losses I could not accept

It all changed, I let go of fear

beautiful music I could hear

I opened my eyes, life became clear

 

I celebrate; it’s never too late

To turn your life around

No reason to wait

 

I carried on, I lived with heartache

I was so numb, I wasn’t awake

It all changed, I let go of fear

beautiful music I could hear

I opened my eyes, life became clear

 

When my life ends, I won’t be afraid

I’m grateful for the gift I was given

I celebrate, it’s never too late

I turned my life around, got up off the ground

happiness I found

No reason to wait

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 “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” Norman Cousins

 

 A sad message below from someone in my grief forum responding to someone else’s message of deep grief:

 

I don’t have any good words either, other than I understand the pain. My faith also has been tested; I’m starting to think that maybe this life here on earth is Hell, because I can’t imagine anything else being as bad as the pain we feel from losing our children. And I can’t wait to be reunited with my son.

 

On Dec. 15, 2011, Ann wrote:

 

Hi Judy, I would like to have anything you would like to send me. I am so broken hearted . . . I lost another brother this morning. I have lost so many loved ones in the past two years. I am just moving around in a dark fog.

 

It is so hard; sometimes I think I will just die from a broken heart. This is more than one person should have to endure.

 

Dearest Ann,

 

We are all going to die someday, and there are many people who actually do die from a broken heart. I went to a funeral just a month ago for a man who died as a result of his grief.

 

Does that allow us to be with our loved ones – death? Perhaps. When we die, then we will know for sure. However, we are still alive. Why are we still alive with so much pain? That is a hard question that I do not have an answer for. 

 

When someone grieves this deeply, it means you had immense love – so much so that it has caused your exquisite agony. That means you have the capacity to love, and most certainly, others in your life love you, as well. 

 

They are hurting to imagine losing you! Imagine how much more pain would be magnified if you died! Perhaps you can reach out to those who love you to help you endure this. The pain does not go away and I’m not minimizing your loss. It is too much for one person to endure. But I am certain you will. Allow yourself to cry and find any way you can to help yourself feel better. Carrying the memories and love can help you survive the pain. Expressing your love to others is the best way.

 

It’s just too soon for you to die. That is a serious message you are giving yourself. Instead of telling yourself you will die from a broken heart, tell yourself that your enormous heart will continue to love and it will eventually stop bleeding. Your loved ones want that for you – trust me!

 

Love, Judy

 

 

My doctor told me yesterday that I am living in a fantasy world, just because I said that I want my wife back. I know that I have to go on and live a new life without her. I just am not ready to do so. People who haven’t been married and truly bonded just don’t understand that the feeling really is like a part of me has died, too. While some may say that’s not a healthy way to feel, all I can say is that it’s real for me. 

I want to feel better, to feel peace again. I have periods of time when I seem to be doing pretty well. Then, out of nowhere something triggers me and I can barely function. 

My life, while it may improve someday, will not be what it was and that’s the harsh fact. As much as anything, that reality haunts me daily. 

There is a new diagnosis in the DSM called “Prolonged Grief Disorder”. Well, I have it. Two and one half years is a long time to feel sad and depressed and angry and all the rest. I will never feel the old “normal” again and that tears me out of the frame some days. 

The only people I trust are the folks who have shared this experience. They have the wisdom I need. The rest, no matter how well intended, I just dismiss. 

Joe

 

Dear Joe (and anyone else in deep grief that is feeling discouraged),

 

There is a lot of commiserating that goes on in this forum. I’m not going to even go near the place of saying I know how you feel; you are a widower and I have lost a child. I cannot imagine losing a soul mate, and I do not compare grief because that leads to further isolation. I used to feel like even other grieving people could hardly imagine the depth of my pain, but I still very much agreed with your last line. When I was in deep grief, I surrounded myself with people who were grieving like I was.

 

I remember feeling haunted by the loss of my former life and the fact that I would never feel the “old normal again.” You wrote that it “tears you out of your frame,” which is such an eloquent way to say that. I wish I could say that healing comes sooner. It might be almost three years now for you; I won’t even write how long it took me.

 

But what I want to share is don’t give up hope. You will feel better someday and you will have a depth of compassion to help other people as a result of your loss. Your wife will always be with you, in spirit and in memories.

 

One day, you will feel joyful. And you will remember this message. Until then, keep going as you have. You are grieving. It’s awful, unbearable, and discouraging. But never give up hope. There aren’t many messages written like mine on this forum.  Everyone needs to have hope.

 

If there was hope for me, there could be hope for anyone. I suffered a lot and wanted to die when I was grieving. No one can imagine it unless they’ve suffered.

 

You take care,

Judy

 

On Dec 29, 2011, Janet wrote:

I wish the New Year could be better. I’ve got a 78 yr. old father who I am afraid to lose. He’s in good health, but that could change. I hope it doesn’t. My Mom got sick in April and was gone in July. It can happen so fast. I don’t feel safe. I don’t want to lose anyone else either.


Janet

 

Dear Janet,

 

My parents are very sick and I don’t think they will both be with me a year from now. I feel like I’ve already lost my mother, since her mind is gone due to advanced dementia. But I still feel her love, and appreciate that. I treasure my parents and their love.

 

Two years ago, I healed from my grief. I used to live with a lot of fear after my 5-year-old son died, and I mourned the loss of my innocence. My fear was paralyzing and interfered with living life to my full potential.

 

Life is a gift. It is finite. We will all die and so will those whom we love – the natural order is that our parents go first. Fear destroys the potential to find happiness. I wish you could find some acceptance about your eventual and inevitable loss. That would make your time very meaningful and precious with your father. While he’s in good health you could form beautiful memories and those will sustain you when he’s gone.

 

I know that life is full of pain. Moving forward toward not being afraid of future loss is a huge step. You have suffered a lot losing your mom so suddenly. Before that happened, you were not aware that you might lose someone you loved so fast. That is the nature of innocence and believing that everyone can live forever. 

 

Every minute counts. Janet, I pray you can find peace and realize that. Your dad would definitely want you to – and your mom.

 

With love, Judy

 

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